We all have our dreams. Some of us, however, may wonder, why they hardly ever come true.

Some time ago, a friend of mine told me that his brother had been yearning for a partner for a long time and actually tended to fall in love occasionally. However, each time he was about to take the second step and get more deeply involved with his new partner, their relationship fell apart. Each time, my friend’s brother suffered from the experience but at the same time accepted it as inevitable.

Habitual recurrences such as this are like echoes that strengthen our identity. The good thing about them is that they help us understand who we are – even though this realization of our identity is sometimes a very painful process. We tend to wish a lot – and do so with great gusto. However, as soon as our wishes oblige us to change our behavior, we often become reluctant to fulfill them. Our identity just loves it when we stick to our old, ingrained patterns.

In his new book "Überlisten Sie Ihr Beuteschema", relationship counsellor Stefan Woinoff points out that even today women are often still trapped in concepts of the Stone Age when it comes to choosing a partner for life: tall, strong, and rich, is what most women want the man of their dreams to be.

The solution offered, which may be interesting to men as well, consists therefore in trying to uncover one’s innermost motivations in order to develop deliberately and systematically different patterns of behavior. The greatest challenge for both men and women, however, is that in order to do so, they have to accept change.

We may discover new paths to our identity if we consciously behave differently once in a while. At first, little steps will do until we recognize that it is good for us to take safe risks and are ready to advance more quickly. Let’s assume, for example, that she is almost 5 foot 9 and looking for a man who is at least 6 foot tall. In order to change her pattern, she now intentionally invites men into her circle who are only between 5 foot 4 and 5 foot 7. Most likely, she’ll learn something new in the process and, consequently, change her experience as well as her behavior a bit, even though she may have originally been fixated on something slightly different. The world holds countless surprises for us, if we are willing to leave our old patterns behind.